Tell me, are there still any youthful hot-weather fishermen out there who will spend the better part of their out-of-school time hiking or biking to a favorite fishing hole? Or maybe some who will beg and plead and drive mom or dad to the brink of self destruction until permission is granted to go forth and wet a hook? Do I yet have a few preadolescent cohorts not totally consumed by the computer and the videogame monster and still too young for 24-hour mall cruising?

Lord, I hope so.

You know, I have a special kinship with little dirty-faced boys (and girls) who walk around terminally muddy and smell (no, reek) of fish slime and worm dirt for the entire duration of summer break. Heck, I used to be one myself, and that was back when summer break lasted an entire three months.

Anyway, if those little people still exist, and if they’re listening, I’d like to offer them a few helpful tips that will allow them to go fishing this summer without undue hassle from all those meddling adults. (I feel your pain, kiddies. Heck, I’m 57 years old and grownups don’t understand me, either.)

This advice, my young compatriots, is intended to keep you (for the most part) out of serious trou- ble and make it perfectly okay for you to fish to your heart’s content all summer long. Be wise and pay heed to one who has been through it all before.

(1)Do not, under any circumstances, venture forth to the creek or the pond in your good shoes. You will be yelled at and get a lengthy moneydoes not-grow-on-trees lecture. To this day, I still don’t know where money actually does grow, but, according to Mama, it is never to be found dangling from pecan limbs.

(2)Leave Daddy’s $700 Orvis fly rod at home. It is certainly entertaining to watch your father turn all those lovely shades of purple, but not much fun to see him carried away in that funny jacket by big strong men in white coats.

(3)Do not bring your leftover worms inside the house. If you put them under your bed and forget them, Mama will think the resulting “aroma” is emanating from you. As a result, she will make you bathe three times a day and grownup visitors will wonder if your potty training was successful.

(4)If your grandfather takes you fishing, make certain his ear is always out of range of your backcast. If you do mess up and accidentally pierce his dangling lobe, take care not to repeat what he says when you get home.

(5)Should you and a pal decide to go jug fishing for catfish, make sure you start with jugs already emptied of their original contents. Adults frown upon milk, motor oil, antifreeze, and fabric softener poured down kitchen drains.

(6)Never forgetfully leave a stringer of bluegills in the trunk of Daddy’s car and not remember where you put it until four days later.

(7)Never eat a worm or a cricket on a bet unless you get the money up front.

(8)Please remove the baby water snake from the pocket before throwing your jeans into the dirty clothes hamper. Follow the same rule for catalpa worms. If you think saintly little grandmothers can’t cuss or outrun you, just forget that one time and find out.

(9)Tell the friend who brings along the gum and candy that you are not stupid. You know exactly what Feen-A-Mint and Ex-Lax look like.

(10) On a really hot day, you might want to take a break from fishing to go skinny dipping. If so, remember where you put your clothes, watch out for snapping turtles, and don’t go running nekkid through the poison ivy.

Finally, have a great summer, little buddies. Go catch yourself a big ‘un and send me a picture.

(Email Bob Kornegay at cletus@windstream.net)