I'll never forget my first time. For years I'd dreamed how good it would be, imagined myself throbbing with sensual delight as the two of us rolled to unexplored heights of joy in pursuit of a pleasure that can't be described but has to be felt.

Then I finally got a riding lawn mower, and things were every bit as good as I had hoped.

I knew it was going to be great as soon as I got the initial questions from members of the opposite sex. A guy friend asked me if it had a cup holder (yes). My wife wanted to know what color it was (red).

On that first ramble across the weed-choked lawn, I felt like Lewis and Clark exploring the uncharted American west. I knew how Hannibal must have felt when he drove his elephants across the Alps toward Rome, how Michelangelo's heart must have fluttered when he slapped paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

So far, the only bad experience I've had on the riding mower was getting stuck in a mud bog when I tried to mow too soon after a heavy rain.

Until now I didn't think you could have a bad time on a riding mower. And maybe you can't. But according to recent news reports, you can sure give somebody a bad time while you're on a riding mower. Especially if you are a member of the Picayune, MS, police force.

Picayune police aren't locking up folks who can't mow worth a lick. They installed radar on a riding mower and used it to nab speeders.

Lt. Chad Dorn gets the credit (or blame) for the idea. Dorn says speeding was a problem, and he decided to get creative about stopping it. So he popped a radar unit on a city-owned riding mower, and when speeders whipped past Dorn's mower, he called ahead to waiting cops (in cars) who picked up the perpetrators and popped them with a fine.

Dorn said the radar- equipped mower nabbed 90 speeders in its first three days on the job.

When speeders were scarce, Dorn cut some city-owned grass.

Things were easy at first because nobody expected to be busted by the yard man. Some locals who caught on early tried to harass Dorn by riding by his riding mower location repeatedly.

Now that drivers know about the menacing mower, Dorn says he might try something else. Let's hope he doesn't park a radarequipped bass boat on a bypass and try to slap fines on fishermen.

Naturally, some folks nabbed by the radar mower aren't happy. One Picayune resident told the local paper, The Picayune Item, he was offended by the idea. He was poorer, too, after being nabbed twice by the sinister Snapper.

"They're just taking money from good people, basically taxpayers that obey the law," the man said.

Every new law enforcement technique brings controversy. But this one brings a tear of sadness as well. At least to me.

Hearing that Dorn had turned a beautiful machine into a tool of terror gave me the shivers. I haven't felt so sorry for a mower since I saw the late Paul Newman shoot one to death in the movie "Blaze."

I applaud Dorn for trying to reduce speeding. But to use an innocent lawn mower this way? As we say down here, "That ain't right."

(Send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan. com)