It's a poorly kept "secret" that just about anyone who has ever written for a newspaper hopes to one day write a best-selling book. Or at least a well-distributed gospel tract.

Me, too. Hopefully, before newspapers are extinct. I'll get started as soon as I have a decent story idea.

But these days times are tough even for bad writers. In fact, as the book publishing industry races the newspaper business toward oblivion, even top-flight writers are having to play hardball to make it into print.

I asked a few friends with literary experience for some advice on (a) what to write and (b) how to convince a publisher to actually pick up the printing tab.

They didn't have any story ideas that bowled me over, but one reminded me of the writing approach taken by the late, great Lewis Grizzard.

Before his untimely death in 1994, Grizzard's column was syndicated in hundreds of newspapers, and his books sold millions of copies. Grizzard once said that when it came to writing books, he didn't worry about plot or pacing. He said all he needed was a good title, and he was off to the races.

That may be my problem. A glance at my abandoned efforts indicate my titles might need some tweaking.

For instance, when I started the book about the professional bass fisherman who falls in love with the girl from the bait shop, I figured publishers would stomp each other for the rights to "Lust is the Lure." Not yet.

And maybe people really aren't ready for my story about a crusading newspaper journalist who abandons his principles and tries to save the industry by making up a series of stories claiming excess Internet use causes brain damage and what we used to call "social diseases." But I still think "Stop the Presses? Over My Dead Body, Bubba," was a good title.

I never really believed "Women are From Saks, Men are From Home Depot" had much of a chance. But considering the current pokerplaying craze, I thought I had a real shot with a book about a group of card-playing bandits who bungle the plans for a big bank robbery. I still think readers might like "Bridge (Club) to Nowhere."

A quick review of my old titles gave me a terminal case of the blues. Then my spirits soared when I saw a news release that proved even books with bad titles still get published. At least in Britain.

Thanks go to Bookseller magazine, which just released its list of worst book titles of the year. These literary abominations surely have Grizzard spinning in his grave.

Past winners include "Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality;" "How to Avoid Huge Ships" and "Highlights in the History of Concrete." (No kidding.)

The current list of six finalists is even duller, if that's possible. Contestants for the 2008 top prize include (really):

"Baboon Metaphysics" by Dorothy L. Cheney and Robert M. Seyfarth; "Curbside Consultation of the Colon" by Brooks D Cash; "The Large Sieve and its Applications" by Emmanuel Kowalski; "Strip and Knit with Style" by Mark Hordyszynski; "Techniques for Corrosion Monitoring" by Lietai Yang and "The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais" by Professor Philip M. Parker.

You can't make those up, folks. They are real books. And they have really been printed. Since that's the case, maybe I still have a shot at being a published author. All I need is an idea and some talent.

Sooner or later, one or the other is bound to show up. I hope.

(Send your e-mail comments to: alex@ newnan.com)