THE_ 08 920 _1 21408 _Know ye al l by these presents: I have seen the light. I am cleansed and made whole. It is well with my soul. I am washed in the blood of PETA. Hallelujah, amen.

Today, brethren, I am as Paul the Apostle, stricken blind along the road to Damascus. (Well, actually it's the road to Albany, but where's the symbolism in that?) I am overcome by divine illumination. My days of piscatorial persecution are over.

From this day forth, I am no longer a fisherman. Or, if you will, a sea kittener. All praise be to PETA for my salvation.

You see, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has touched my heart with its recently launched campaign to convince humanity to stop referring to our finny friends as "fishes" and start calling them "sea kittens." This, it is written, shall cause the pursuers and devourers of what sinners now call fishes to cease and desist from their pursuing and devouring of same.

Positively brilliant! I am a changed man. Never again will I seek to pierce the lips of what I now view as cuddly oceanic felines with a cruelly sharpened steel barb. I cannot help believing most of my fellow sinners, sea kitteners all, will soon join the fold and, like me, beat their rods and reels into plowshares and turn their tackle receptacles into litter boxes. O Almighty PETA! Send us, I pray, a carp to kiss, a mullet to nuzzle, a big ole hawg bass to lovingly fondle.

But, wait. I don't want to be so rapturously overcome that I neglect an unavoidable secular side of the issue. There might be some problems, I fear.

For instance, if tuna, eels, trout, cod, halibut, and marlin of all ages are now to be called sea kittens, will not the babies of what are now known as catfishes possibly suffer a confusing identity crisis? And what about real cats, whose cause my Lord and Savior PETA also champions? Are they now to deprive themselves of an important protein source out of fear they will be considered cannibals?

Think on this, now. Predatory aquatic creatures with names like scorpion fish, snakeheads, wolf fish, and bull sharks are from this day forward sea kittens. Will they now develop a complex, become vegetarians, and drink frozen daiquiris in fern bars? And what of lionfish and tiger sharks? I suppose they're already technically born sea kittens (or is it sea cubs?). Now, alas, they'll never outgrow it.

Will spiny dogfish chase sea kittens? Guess not. They'll be sea kittens, too, bless their hearts. Will small children now risk drowning to catch sea kittens, carry them home, and beg their mamas to be allowed to keep them? Will sea kittens stray and hang out around dumpsters or in alleyways? If I humanely adopt a sea kitten, will it catch mice and mutilate songbirds and will that bring the wrath of PETA down upon me? Will sea kittens get fleas and roundworms and is it cruel to have one declawed?

Golly, this is quite vexing. Please, our PETA which art in heaven hallowed be thy name, what's a new convert to do? Help!

Briiiiing! (That's my phone. You can't hear it, but that's how we literary types convey it in print.)

"Hello, Clete." (That's me answering. It's Cletus Monroe.)

"Go fishing? Well, I don't know. There's this PETA sea kitten thing and all. I'm not so sure anymore that being anglers doesn't put us in league with Satan."

"Please, Clete. Don't take PETA's name in vain."

"What's that? Well, I suppose scripture is open to interpretation, after all. So, you really think it wouldn't be a sin to….."

"Okay, okay. I'm hearing you. But let's get one thing straight. If it purrs, we're throwing it back, right?"

"All right. I'll meet you at the landing in half an hour. You bring the worms, and we'll go out and rip some lips."

Almighty PETA, please forgive us our trespasses.

For thine is the kingdom…..

Amen. 121408_2x2-Tombball_3.792:Layout 1 12/5/08 9:38 AM