Food Fight
by Alex McRae

You can't open a paper or tune in a newscast today without seeing another report screaming: "Global Food Crisis!"

It seems that the world's food markets are undergoing a grain shortage. In large part it is because more grain is being used to make ethanol because ethanol companies pay more for grain than food manufacturers. It is supply and demand at work.

As a result, the usual suspects are predicting that zillions will starve to death. At least the funerals will be held under cleaner, ethanol-filled skies.

The only comfort may be in knowing that predictions of global famine have been around as long as humans have been around to record then. And each prediction has failed.

Over the years a few farsighted people have attacked the problem creatively. They say the way to cure world hunger isn't to lower the price of food, but to lower the number of food consumers.

A noted example of this philosophy surfaced in a 1729 tract by Jonathan Swift. The Irish author is best known for his brilliant satire, Gulliver's Travels, but Swift published numerous commentaries on society in general. One of his best is "A Modest Proposal," in which Swift offers a unique way to reduce the plague of penniless street urchins roaming Ireland. Swift said the answer was to eat the kids while they were still young. He even offered a recipe suggestion or two, including this one:

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout."

Unfortunately, no one heeded Swift's advice, and once again we are plagued with more mouths than groceries.

People are looking for answers. Sometimes, in all the wrong places. In fact, a major American food producer is proposing that instead of eating children, we poison them to death.

Naturally, they don't advertise their proposal that way. In fact, the company says they are actually trying to save the earth by promoting the consumption of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or PB&Js.

The promotion kicked off on Earth Day and is being pushed by a few southeastern colleges filled with green zealots.

But how, you ask, could eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches remove the planet from peril? Simple, according to the company's press release, which says; "...one sandwich can save 133 gallons of water and 24 square feet of land over a burger, and each one served will save 2.5 pounds of greenhouse gas emissions, which is the same benefit as driving a hybrid car for half a day."

Sounds swell, except for one thing. This supposedly earthfriendly promotion can kill kids with peanut allergies.

The same week the PB&J push hit the news another story popped up about at-risk school children who are involuntarily exposed to peanut butter every day in the form of sandwiches, bagged nuts and even peanut butter cups.

The article said one young girl was the victim of peanut butter terrorism. The girl said a group of five girls didn't want her sitting at their lunch table anymore so they brought PB&Js to school every day to scare her off.

The reporter, labeled as being from the "Medical Unit" of a major TV network, cranked up the hype by saying that where the allergic child was concerned "those sandwiches might very well have been weapons."

Nothing like hysteria to tackle a problem.

This all goes to show that Kermit the Frog was right when he sang "It's Not Easy Being Green."

On the other hand, surely even Kermit would agree that calling a PB&J sandwich a "weapon" is a stretch. If you don't believe it, take a PB&J to your nearest convenience store, point it at the clerk and say, "Stick em up."

Then call me from the jailhouse and let me know how it worked out. (Send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan. com)