New Year off to a Strange Start
by Alex McRae

It didn't take long for 2008 to take a turn for the wacky. Before the first full moon arrived, strange things and strange people were popping up like prom-night zits.

The good news is, since it's an election year - and a leap year to boot - we'll need all the help we can get to keep our sanity and sense of humor intact until election day rolls around in November.

So if you're already tired of hearing such worn political clichés as "this is the most important election of our lifetime," take a break and check out these samples of silliness.

The January highlights begin with a food-related felony. And we're not talking about the fat content of a Big Mac.

It's actually a twist on a very old tale. As any casual reader of the Holy Bible knows, Samson had a reputation as a heavy dude, a man not to be trifledwith. Once, he got so mad he slew 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.

In 2008, Mr. Terry Willis of Ardmore, Okla., decided if assaulting people with animal parts was good enough for Samson, it was good enough for him. Unfortunately, Willis didn't have access to an ass jawbone, so when the fight started at a local business, Willis was forced to attack his opponent with the next best thing ... a gnawed-up pork chop.

According to Ardmore cops, the pig bone worked fine, puncturing the victim's neck and sending blood spewing all over the crowd of folks who gathered to gauge the effectiveness of a pork product in hand-to-hog combat.

The victim lived, but Willis still faces charges of attempted pork-i-cide.

(Author's note: In all fairness, while Willis' efforts with a pork chop were admirable, he is still not in the same league with the Philadelphia man who, almost 10 years ago, attacked his girlfriend with a frozen Butterball turkey. During this one, the beating was so severe, the turkey started to soften, at which point the man reached in his freezer, grabbed a 5-pound roll of frozen ground round and kept beating until the meat was almost melted).

But I digress.

Another January jewel involving food arrives from metro Australia. For years, people in the delightful town of Port Lincoln have enjoyed the annual Tunarama Festival. The event's highlight is the Tuna Toss, reminiscent of the annual Interstate Mullet Toss held each year at the FloraBama Lounge, a Gulf Coast legend located in Alabama or Florida, depending on which restroom you're in.

But after years of tossing real fish, Tunarama organizers have decided the time has come to replace actual (frozen) tuna with plastic projectiles shaped like fish. Mostly because the tossed tuna couldn't take a beating very well.

The manager of the 2008 festival, Merriwine Hore (no kidding), explained it this way:

"What happens when the tuna is tossed, even though it's frozen solid, it does start to break down. The tail comes off, the finscome off, the eyes fall out and then the underbelly breaks, and you know, it really gets to be extremely messy."

To prove tuna tossers can be hip, too, Hore said the switch to fake fishwas also spurred by the realization that tuna tossing isn't environmentally-friendly.

Hore said, "It's time we got green, got realistic about this."

Right on, Merriwine. And thanks for reminding us that only a climate changer would consider using a plastic fishas getting "realistic."

(Send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan. com)