The New York Times recently reported some surprising and discouraging trends about men and women who are unfaithful to their spouse. Researchers from the University of Washington are about to release data that has found the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over the age of 60 increased to 28 percent from 20 percent in 1991. At the same time, the lifetime infidelity rate for women over 60 has increased an amazing three-fold from 5 percent in 1991 to 15 percent today.

These researchers have also seen a striking increase in infidelity among married people under 35 years old - 20 percent among men and 15 percent among women. This is an increase from 15 and 12 percent respectively in 1991.

Why the increase? Well, there are likely several factors at play here. Researchers point to improvements in medical care like sex-enhancing pharmaceuticals for older patients, more women working outside the home and travelling for their job, email and instant messaging technology that make it easier to communicate, and the high prevalence of Internet pornography.

When I read about all of these marriages affected by infidelity, I can't help but remember something someone I know wrote about her own affair. Her words offer a piercing and cautionary reminder. Here is a portion of what she wrote:

I know most people who end up having affairs don't think all that much about it ahead of time—they just go with a feeling or an impulse—or maybe they are just trying to meet a need that isn't being met in their current relationship. And somehow we allow ourselves to cross over a line, all the while justifying to ourselves that it'll be brief, no big deal, no one will find out and therefore no harm done. That's what I thought. And then I lost everything.

Spouses almost always find out. And affairs never end well.

There are many reasons why. If it's just about the physical stuff, then it's really not worth the risk anyway. Usually at least one party will want more—and then it gets complicated. Then there's the constant paranoia. The panic attacks that set in anytime the spouse needs to borrow your phone. And then there are the moments of looking at your spouse, or your kids for that matter, knowing what you did—even when they don't know—and feeling the abject guilt of utter betrayal for such banal and selfish reasons.

Ask yourself this: would this "relationship" or physical encounter with a stranger from a website be worth risking everything? My marriage, my kids, my relatives, my job, my finances? Because it is very likely to cost you all that and more.

And then there's the question of basic humanity. My guess is that if one spouse is thinking of having an affair, it's because there's something going on: an inadequacy in the marriage, some pain they are responding to, deeper issues at play. My advice: this is the worst way to deal with those things. At a minimum, it will take the focus off of what may be legitimate problems and will put the focus squarely on the infidelity. If there are problems in the marriage, there is one decent way to deal with your spouse—honestly.

How hollow and how deeply sad is the reality that my life will never be the same. I have lost my husband, his wonderful family, our common friends, all the dreams we had, the chance to actually deal head on with our problems and come out stronger. I have even lost a sense of my own self. And for what? A temporary physical release? An emotional connection I was lacking in marriage? I have forever wounded so many people—obviously my ex. All of our family and friends and the community who supported us. I even hurt the other party in the affair. That person is human too and can't help but feel used when it all falls apart. And it always falls apart.

It breaks my heart that people may be lured into thinking that an affair would be no big deal, just a little fun. It may shatter children's understanding of trust, family, fatherhood, motherhood, safety.

I had to look my husband in the face as he wept over my betrayal. I had to stand in our driveway for the last time and say goodbye to someone I had at one time pledged my forever to. I had to hear him say goodbye to the dreams and the children we would never realize. I had to mourn the loss of family I would never see again. And I have had to live with the harsh reality of the volumes of pain and loss I have caused—for myself and more people than you can imagine.

Maybe you can't seem to care enough about your spouse to guard against an affair. But at least care enough about yourself not to become somebody you are ashamed of, disgusted by. Don't be someone who hurts people on purpose.

This woman's story reminds me: if infidelity is on the rise, so is pain.