Ball of Confusion...continued
by Alex McRae

Expect bomb shelter sales to soar this holiday season since word has arrived that Iran quit trying to build nuclear bombs in 2003.

Normally, this kind of news would be greeted with cheers. But there's one big problem. The intelligence reports that allegedly prove Iran may not be making nuclear weapons were developed by the Bush administration.

As we all know, since taking office in 2001, the Bush administration has been wrong about everything from global warming to local education. Worse, when it comes to the war in Iraq (and a possible war with Iran), the Bush administration has done nothing but lie, lie, lie.

At least according to 94.3 percent of what you see, hear and read.

Since the Bushes can't do anything but lie, it's safe to assume that the reports about Iran not having a bomb are bogus. This means Iran not only has a bomb, but is probably ready to deliver it at the height of the Christmas rush.

This is especially troubling for residents of Nashville. Rumor has it that while Iran has nukes, the missiles aren't guided by GPS satellites but - in an effort to save the planet - are designed to select targets based on the amount of energy said targets consume.

This means the bombs will automatically head for Al Gore's Nashville mansion, which gobbles more kilowatts of power than any building - public, private or parochial - east of the Mississippi. Handicappers give Vegas or Disney World a close second in the targeting derby.

We hope they're wrong, but if we have to rely on Bush administration assessments of Iran's nuclear intentions, it's time to update the will and head to the local survivalist store for a year's worth of freeze-dried food and ammunition.

But Bush aside, who can you trust these days? Two years ago, the Centers for Disease Control called obesity America's number one health crisis. Officials made what sounded like a good case that fat Americans were falling off faster than ever. But revised studies indicate the CDC's definition of "obese" was scientifically shaky.

In fact, it was dead wrong. So wrong the official obesity figures were revised so that now - on paper at least - millions fewer Americans are fat than a month or two ago.

This week, the "facts" about fat were jumbled once again. Now the folks who study these things have concluded that the problem isn't how "fat" you are, but how fit. To the amazement of test tube jockeys everywhere, studies showed that even the officially overweight could live long, happy lives if they only did a few minutes of exercise each week to keep technically "fit."

In other words, a 300-pound Atlanta Falcons lineman stands a better chance of living to a ripe old age than a 90-pound fashion model with a fast car and a slow reaction time.

In other head-scratching news, on the same day 10,000 global warmers arrived in Bali for the 2007 United Nations Climate Change Conference, Portland, Maine, set a record for snowfall that had stoodsince1890. Not to be outdone, two North Dakota cities, Grand Forks and Fargo, broke snowfall records that had been in place since 1926.

Global warming activists are already working on scientific papers to prove the record snowfall was caused by hot weather. You'll see the results here first.

(send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan. com)(Send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan. com)