Don't Worry, Be Happy. Be A Guy.
by Alex McRae

In September 1988, a snappy single by Bobby McFerrin called "Don't Worry, Be Happy" hit No. 1 on the American pop charts.

It's appropriate to note that the song was not sung by a girl. Now we know why. Because girls worry too much to write such a song, much less sing it. Don't take my word for it. Actual research by actual scientists has shown that girls worry more than boys about almost everything.

The study was published in "Child Development." The findings said young girls and women were "more likely to believe negative past events predict future harm, compared to males."

In layman's terms, girls thought if the school bully beat you up once, he was likely to do it again. This apparently caused much concern for girls.

And I do mean girls. Normally, a scientific study like this conducts research on subjects who are able to express themselves. Not this time. The study included not just men and women, but girls and boys aged 3 to 6.

The research "tested" subjects to see how certain they were that a bad event from the past could happen again in the future.

The study used fictional stories about people who were harmed by either bad people or bad animals. In the stories, the person who was attacked by a troll or wild tiger or unscrupulous mortgage banker was worried it might happen again and became nervous as a road lizard. Researchers said the study "proved" females worry much more than males.

I believe it. Mostly because girls do not learn at an early age how to assess, control and confront risk. For guys, it comes naturally.

When I was a kid, we boys spent most of our spare time on activities that, in most cases, would be considered dangerous, if not borderline lethal.

If the game was "war" or "cowboys and Indians," when we saw a member of the opposing faction, we just shot them. We didn't hesitate while we pondered how the slaughter might affect future relationships. The next day, we did it again.

On superheroes' day, since we couldn't fly like Superman, we made capes from bath towels and jumped off the roofs of our houses. Very few broken limbs resulted, and those not mortally wounded by the day's flights were back on the roof as soon as possible, so they wouldn't be considered wimps. And because it was lots of fun.

In an adult context, it might be argued that guys who grew up playing war and jumping off houses are less likely to worry about the consequences of dropping nuclear bombs on strangers.

On the other hand, if a woman had her finger on the nuke button, we might all be turned to cinders by the neighboring madman while the U.S. woman-in-charge worried about whether she'd be invited to future state dinners with the Bad Guys.

On the bright side, if women didn't worry about things, the world would fall apart. And I don't mean worrying about world peace or global warming. I'm talking about the little things, like paying the bills and buying groceries and raising children and attending PTA meetings.

If such chores were left to guys, the American economy (not to mention society) would collapse in weeks. It would happen faster in football season, when a guy's only worry is whether his cable TV package will pick up all the important games. (The good news is, a nuclear war would never start during football season because it might interfere with a crucial game).

So while women may worry more, in the long run, we're all better off, and I say, "God bless the girls." One caution for parents: If something's really bugging you, don't tell your 5-year old daughter. It looks like she's worried enough already.