Sympathy For A Southern Sister State
BY Alex McRae

Honorable Haley Barbour
Governor of Mississippi

Dear Governor Barbour,

I can only imagine the horror you felt when you opened the papers recently to see the most scandalous piece of Mississippi news since Dec. 12, 1957, when Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13-year-old cousin up there in Hernando. Right there in bold print for all the world to see: "Mississippi Ranked Fattest State In Nation."

The headline writer ought to be named "Sweet Chariot" for swinging so low. Not to mention the fact that the story was gorged with distortions, deceptions and downright lies.

The piece even stooped to playing the "fat back" card, opening with: "Mississippians need to skip the gravy, say no to the fried pickles and start taking brisk walks to fight an epidemic of obesity."

Skip the gravy, governor? Say no to fried pickles (not to mention chicken)? Sounds like a press release from the Josef Stalin School of Health Care. Even the so-called "facts" were misleading. From the headlines you'd have thought Mississippians were the biggest eaters this side of the congressional pork hounds in D.C.

That's not so.

Statistics (probably compiled by the U.S. Agency for Slamming Southerners) alleged that 30.6 percent of Mississippians are overweight. West Virginia is next at a rate of 29.8 percent. That's a difference of .8 percent. According to my pocket diet calculator, that's about half a Big Mac. Big Deal. You get that kind of statistical difference with fluid retention.

I suspected somebody had cooked the numbers and decided to investigate for myself.

Governor, since I know you don't have time to deal with every reporter trolling for a quote, I bypassed you and contacted your legislative liaison, Mr. Parks MacNabb.

I didn't call MacNabb because of his nutritional expertise, but because I know his folks, Joe and Patty MacNabb, who live in my hometown of Newnan, Georgia. Parks and my kids hung out together when they were young, too, so that's a plus for him. In fact, he probably deserves a raise.

But back to business.

I was delighted when Mr. MacNabb told me Mississippi had already taken steps to address the vicious rumors being circulated in the media. He further informed me you and the First Lady are regular exercisers and that your office has created a program called "Let's Go Walking, Mississippi," designed to get folks out and about and shedding those pounds.

This is a program all of America should embrace, and I for one believe Mississippi's example may spur me to once again hit the streets for better health. By the way, I was greatly relieved when Mr. MacNabb informed me there was no truth to the rumor that Mississippi is considering a ban on fried foods.

As his grandmother, the late "Miss Ella" MacNabb, often said, "It's a blessing," which brings me to deer hunting.

In years past, outdoor types have claimed there's no better exercise than tromping through the woods all day trying to blast a trophy buck. (You've never seen a fat picture of Daniel Boone, have you?)

But a recent article in the American Journal of Cardiology said shooting a deer and dragging it back to the four-wheeler raised heart rates more than heavy aerobic exercise and actually increased the risk of a heart attack.

Sounds to me like you're safer sucking down a plate of fried anything.

And why not? Skinniness is way over-hyped to begin with. The phrase "lean and mean" had to come from somewhere. When's the last time you heard of someone being called "fat and felonious"?

In closing, governor, let me say I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this. But remember, if the pressure gets too bad, you're always welcome to "Walk This Way."

We'll have a place at the table for you.

Your Friend,

Alex P.S. Sunday is fried chicken day.