JUMPY OVER JAMMIES
by Alex McRae

I'm glad Roy Rogers isn't alive to see this.

Imagine the King of the Cowboys being called a killer. Worse, imagine me as one of his victims.

It's a pajama problem.

I gave up pajamas for good after I discovered superspy James Bond shunned formal sleepwear. Since then, it's been t-shirts and shorts at sack time. But as long as I wore pajamas, I only wore those endorsed by the King of the Cowboys.

Roy Rogers was my hero. I couldn't ride the range with him, but I went to sleep every night, humming "Happy Trails To You" in a pair of Roy's finest flannels.

Mine were red. They were covered with images of the characters from Roy's TV show, including Roy, his wife Dale Evans, their trusty sidekick Gabby Hayes, Roy's dog Bullet and his horse Trigger.

I would have worn Roy's pajamas if they had been made of sandpaper. But that wasn't a worry. Roy's flannelwear was soft as a prairie sunset, just the thing for tired cowpokes after a hard day in the classroom or on the playground.

But now it appears all pajamas aren't as user-friendly as they used to be. In fact, according to recent news stories, some pajamas are downright deadly.

Thanks go to the Chinese, who are now accused of making poisoned pajamas. Not poisoned soup, nuts, wontons, whiskey or bean curd. Pajamas.

Shameless. Which leaves me wondering...when will the terror end?

In the last year Chinese manufacturers have assaulted American consumers with everything from poisoned pet food to fouled fish to tainted toothpaste to children's toys containing more lead than 1950s-era gasoline.

Now they're attacking Americans with poisoned pajamas.

This was discovered when a pair of Chinese kids were burned after their pajamas caught fire. Even in China this is not considered acceptable, so investigators got busy. The problem turned out to be an overdose of formaldehyde, which is highly flammable and prone to catch fire, especially if your pajamas are soaked in it. Which these were.

Since formaldehyde is a major ingredient in embalming fluid and not normally associated with sleepwear, you might be asking how this happened.

Turns out formaldehyde is commonly used in the manufacture of clothing as an agent to prevent mildew and to help keep clothes wrinkle-free.

Compared to roach poison, it's pretty safe. But only in small quantities. However the flaming Chinese pajamas greatly exceeded the amount of formaldehyde considered safe for consumer use.

Officials at American retailer Target were shocked at what their tests revealed.

"Our results were shocking," Target producer Simon Roy said after Target tested several items, including a Spiderman T-shirt and pajamas. "This is almost unbelievable. Some of the clothes Target tested have a reading 900 times the level that actually causes harm."

How sad. And how scary.

This is enough to make Roy Rogers roll over in his grave.

Which brings me to politics.

As the presidential campaign heats up, national health care continues to be a hot topic. It seems inevitable that sooner or later we're headed for some sort of nationalized health system. Candidates are scrambling to invent a health care system that serves the most people without breaking the taxpayers' backs.

They have to look no farther than China. Americans love to talk about "cradle to grave" health care." China's already figured it out. Over there, what you wear in the cradle could send you to an early grave.

Meanwhile, if you want something Chinese but want to play it safe, better stick to take out food. Preferably cooked in a Chinese-American restaurant.