Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
submitted by Lindy
      This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wa...
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Dirt roads
submitted by Garland Mears
      What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many dirt roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more dirt roads because dirt roads give character.
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Getting Into Heaven
submitted by Jack Warner
      After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They...
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No parent left behind
Submitted by FC Garrett
      No parent left behind, I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. Spellings have been left intact.(sic) 1.My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
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Welfare momma
submitted by Dee Bradley
      A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?" "Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy.
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The Bull
submitted by Jack Warner
      A man took his wife to the rodeo, and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen, and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last...
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One minute each night
submitted by Richard Morgan
      In WWII, there was an advisor to Prime Minister Churchill who organized a group of people who dropped what they were doing every night at a prescribed hour for one minute to collectively pray for the safety of England, its people and peace. This had an amazing effect as bombing stopped.
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Special poem for senior citizens!!
submitted by Garland Mears
      A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop goes to my heart, so it won't stop. A little white one that I take goes to my hands, so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
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Memorable senior moment
submitted by Lindy
      An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four...
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Dealing with the burdens of life
submitted by Garland Mears
      Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
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Goodbye, Daddy
submitted by Lindy
      A father put his threeyear old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?
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Life is just all about a beach
submitted by Jack Warner
      A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then sp...
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Emergency
submitted by Lindy
      An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After having gotten him into emergency, and after what seemed like a very long wait, they saw the E.R. doctor approaching, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
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The divorce letter
submitted by F.C. Garrett
      Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
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Grandma's Birth Control pills
submitted by Lindy
      This doctor had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life . He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.
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"Old Bones"
submitted by Jack Warner
      Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.
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Seniors vs illegals
submitted by cangrow
      Five million of our older Americans have not signed up yet for their Medicare, Part D, drug plan------they are old and confused. We are not going to grant them an extension.
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Foot-in-mouth-disease
submitted by Lindy
      A groggy guy who smelled of beer and booze sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
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The Dog & The Phone
submitted by cangrow
      A South California farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic ...
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Funny kids
submitted by Lindy
      A first grade teacher had twenty fivestudents in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a wellknown proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
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